Since this is a writing blog and I rarely share any stories I've written, I figured I'd post what I wrote for the challenge. I was hoping some more experienced flash writers would tell me what they thought of this. Honest opinions! Please don't worry about hurting my feelings, I really would like the truth!! I was worried that it was a little cliche maybe? Or too heavy on sensationalism? What do you guys think?
Okay--so this was called the String-of-10 Five Prompt: We had to use at least four words out of the ten in our stories and, if we could, also integrate the prompt. The word-count could be no higher than 250.
PROMPT WORDS:
EVENING-QUARRY-ACCENT-ROSE-TEAR-MINUTE-GRAVE-CLOSE-ENTRANCE-BOW
I want to put a ding in the universe. –Steve Jobs
Beautiful Stranger
The first time I saw him I was at the florist, buying daisies to leave on my mama's grave. He was buying roses. Our eyes met and his held something strange--like a warning. It left me shivering for a full minute after he left.
I noticed him again at the hardware store, where I bought
rope and he bought duck-tape. Then at the liquor store where I paid eighteen
dollars for some Bud and he paid eighty dollars for some scotch.
He seemed smooth. Polished. Sophisticated. The kind
of guy who’d have women chasing him. I didn’t envy him. I didn’t want women chasing
me. My mama had only been dead for five years. I was mourning.
 |
Still, he fascinated me. I seemed to see him everywhere.
Whenever he caught me watching, he’d respond with a mocking smile that filled
me with both longing and revulsion. I became so caught up in him that I barely noticed
the murders tearing apart my town.
At least until they arrested me.
He was there my whole trial. At night, he’d come in
my cell and whisper the details of his killings. When they found me guilty, he
bragged about how he’d made me honor
mama’s wishes. He’d forced me to leave my mark.
Slowly, the days passed. Slowly, I learned to close my eyes and become one with him.
He’s no longer everything I’m not. Together, we’re charming. Cultured. Smart. Together, we planned our escape. We’re gonna make our mama proud.
He’s no longer everything I’m not. Together, we’re charming. Cultured. Smart. Together, we planned our escape. We’re gonna make our mama proud.
P.S. Both pics were found through Google Images. Since the second is someone's artwork, I'm including the link to the page HERE if anyone wants to check it out.
What a dark piece of fiction. I was hooked to the end.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the shout-out! How fun and surprising to come see my name. I like it! Dark and intriguing, with a grim twist at the end. Good luck to you! I entered, too, but I'm liking how much darker you went. Now we have to wait FOREVER!
ReplyDeleteShannon at The Warrior Muse
Oooh... I was captivated by this dark piece of flash fic.
ReplyDeleteNice one Tamara!
Whoa, creepy! This captivated me as well. Still have chills :)
ReplyDeleteI#m glad you decided to share! It was very chilling, yet captivating too.
ReplyDeleteWow, that was really dark! I'm wondering what happened that he was caught up in the murders and found guilty.
ReplyDeleteWow-what a great piece. You certainly said a lot with very few words. Nice job!!
ReplyDeleteThat was a very good piece of flash fiction! I liked it a lot. Darker than I was expecting, to be honest. Good luck to you with the contest!
ReplyDelete@ Sheena Glad you liked it. I've been experimenting with darker stuff lately. :)
ReplyDelete@ Shannon You're welcome! Flash Fiction Chronicles was a great link. Did you put up your entry anywhere? I'd love to read it. It's always fun to see the radically different directions people take prompts!
@ Thanks, Michelle!
@ Jess Glad I gave you chills!
@ Moonduster I always want to visit your site but I can never find it. Please tell me which one it is!! you visit me a lot and I feel better never coming by to see you!!
@ Sherry It's supposed to be that it was him all along-a split personality thing. If you read it again, you'll see it clearly. Some caught it, some didn't. :)
@ Jaybird Flash fiction is a great tool for writing, especially if you struggle with wordcount issues, which I always have!
@ Jak Cryton Did you put your piece up anywhere? I'd love to read it!
Have to admit I like a little of the dark creepy in the stories I read. No weird stuff. But dark and creepy yes. And thanks for posting my Blogfest badges on your side bars!
ReplyDeleteSo it wasn't Professor Plum in the Billiard Room with the Lead Pipe?
ReplyDeleteHoly crap! Loved it. I always try to do dark, I love it so, but it always ends up goofy!
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteI liked the whole twist thing and I don't know if this was deliberate but I noticed the Stranger always bought something of more value than the narrator (roses over daisies; scotch over Bud)... I thought that was an interesting take.
My only comments would be I didn't like the cliche... "our eyes met..." but then I *loved* the rest of the sentence.
I also thought it was cool when it was a man - and not a woman POV.
Well done, and I hope you had fun... I *love* flash fiction with prompts and all :)
Quite haunting, Tamara, I really liked this.
ReplyDeleteWOW. I haven't tried a lot of flash fiction, being such a long winded girl, but that was amazing. Great twist,dark and creepy in a Primal Fear way, with a bit of Fight Club thrown in. Really nice job. And like Nick said, haunting. I'm going to be thinking about this one for a while...
ReplyDeleteThanks for your visit at Life is Good. Not sure where you can order your SMK, but I'm sure there's a non-seafood version available ;-)
Tina @ Life is Good
Co-host, April 2013 A-Z Challenge Blog
@TinaLifeisGood, #atozchallenge
@ Stephen You're welcome for posting the badge! And glad you like dark and creepy. :) I never thought I'd be any good at writing it but I wanted to try and this got a good response. Although I'm not sure everyone got it--but that's cool. :)
ReplyDelete@ Powdered Toast Man It was definitely professor Plum, lead pipe and all. What made you think it wasn't???? :)
@ Amy Thanks, Amy!!
@ Mark You're right. About the "our eyes met" Didn't even pick up on what a cliche that was. haha. Glad you liked the rest though!
@ Nick Thank you, Nick!!
Loved it very much! Didn't find any of it too cliche...
ReplyDeleteLoved it very much! Didn't find any of it too cliche...
ReplyDeleteNice job! I like the edginess of it, especially since it started out so sweet!
ReplyDeleteSooo cool and creeeeepy!
ReplyDelete@ Tina Wow. Thanks! That was a nice compliment. Fight Club is one of my all time favorite movies!
ReplyDelete@ Millie I had read something on flash fiction where the guy said he got really tired of people using sensationalism. It's an easy way to put drama into such a small piece so he said that they get a lot of murders, serial killers etc...of course I read that after I wrote this and it made me totally second guess the piece. haha. Glad it didn't come off too cliche!
@ PK that fast switch from sweet to creepy was exactly what I aimed for. Thanks!
@ Kelly Thanks, Kelly! Glad you liked it. :)
Great job with this one. I used to write lots of flash fiction based on Prompts (did that for 2 AZ Challenges as well.) It can be truckloads of fun!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE these posts--great job again:-)
ReplyDeleteSorry for the late response Tamara! I have yet to place my piece up, but if I do I will let you know :)
ReplyDeleteYowza! That was creeeeeeeeee-peeeee! :-)
ReplyDeleteExcellent, just excellent!
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